When I Grow Up, I Want To Be…Laid Off & Looking Back
Posted on June 6, 2010Everyone can look back on their life and remember all of the things they wanted to do when they grew up. You know you did. What were all those things? Policeman? Fireman? Teacher? Doctor? Rock Star? Movie Star? I often wonder – How many of us are actually doing any of those things?
The first thing I can remember wanting to be when I was a kid was a veterinarian. I loved animals. I used to bring home stranded baby birds, baby bunnies – whatever, and I would beg my mother to help me take care of them. Some made it. Some went to a wildlife sanctuary. Needless to say, when most died, I no longer wanted to be a veterinarian.
My mother used to like to draw. So, when I got a little older I started to draw a lot. I loved drawing. I wanted to be an artist of some kind. The problem? I didn’t really have a lot of talent. I was able to copy things, but I could never really get down on paper what was in my head. I didn’t want to give up though. Shit, I was thirteen. I figured I would just need to practice…a lot. So I did. I drew, and I drew, and I just never really got any better at it. Being an artist was out.
At around that same time, I wanted to learn how to play an instrument. My parents bought me a guitar, and I took some lessons. I was terrible at it. I tried. I really did, but I’m being completely honest when I say that I sucked at it. I also took piano lessons. I was ok at it, but it took way more discipline than I was willing to offer. A musical career was definitely not in the cards.
Then, when I was in high school, I got involved in school theatre productions. I was far too insecure to try out for parts in the plays, but I did enjoy doing the makeup. I wasn’t half-bad at it either! Finally! I found something semi-artistic that I was pretty good at. That’s when I decided that I wanted to be a makeup artist. Not just any makeup, mind you. I liked monster makeup. I was obsessed with horror movies at the time. The gore didn’t gross me out. It fascinated me! I wanted to learn how to do it!
I went to college, and I majored in Art & Theatre Production with a track in makeup artistry. Initially, it was fun. Then I looked around and noticed how talented many of the other students were. Insecurity took over, yet again, and I put away dreams of coming up with the next awesome gnarly monster in a movie franchise.
Somehow, through the weirdness that is life, I ended up graduating from college and graduate school with degrees in Criminal Justice. As an overachiever, I managed to stack a paralegal certification on top of my degrees as well. Ha! A very far cry from the wannabe veterinarian-to-artist-to-makeup guru I had once planned to be. What did I do with all that education? I got a job at an insurance company – a freakin’ insurance company.
I ended up schlepping auto and liability claims for the next thirteen years. Trust me. I didn’t want to be a claims adjuster. Who the Hell actually wants to do that?? Working in claims is one of those unhappy accidents. When I got out of school, I was twenty-three and in need of a corporate job that would give me some experience so I could get the job I wanted. A neighbor said her company was looking for someone, so I jumped on it. In an unfortunate turn of events, I got stuck in the tractor beam that is the insurance industry and just stayed there.
I worked for only two companies in that time. The first was in a very affluent Chicago suburb, and the second was in an office building right on Chicago’s Magnificent Mile with a mint view of Lake Michigan. I was convinced I had it made. I got paid decently. I did my job well. I was promoted 4 times in the first four years. I fell victim to the corporate mindset and was duped into believing that I had a career.
Well that came to a screeching halt early this year. In late January, 2010, I was laid off. It was just about the most humiliating experience I have ever been through. About halfway through a normal work day, I was called into a conference room, and I knew what was coming before anyone even said anything. I was told my position was eliminated, and that I could pack up my things and go. That was it. Endgame.
I was so embarrassed, pissed off and panicked the first few days. I kept going over everything in my head. Why me? What did I do to make them choose me to get axed? What am I going to do? I have never been without a job since I was a teenager! I scrambled to find new employment. In less than 3 weeks, I had an interview at yet another insurance company. Then I got the second interview. Then I got the declination letter – thanks, but no thanks.
I was a little numb when I didn’t get the job. I wasn’t mad or sad. I was relieved. My forced time off left me with time to contemplate my so-called career, and I finally had to admit to myself that I hated it. I actually despised it. I dealt with people who were pissed off and pushy all the time and I always had to be nice, regardless of how disgusting they were towards me. I was suddenly in awe that someone as acerbic as me actually lasted as long as I did without killing someone.
One thing was definitely decided. I never wanted to be a claims adjuster again. EVER! I’m too old to lose my sanity completely. In the time since I have closed the door on that part of my life, I’ve tried to keep busy. I started writing this blog. I finished writing a book that I am far too afraid to actually try to “put out there”. I’ve started to draw again, and the results have been hilarious. I’ve toyed with the idea of buying a guitar. I’ve even gone back to school to boost that paralegal education. My logical self knows I have to get a job doing something.
This led me to my next problem. What do I really want to be when I grow up? Tough question at an age where it seems that time is rapidly running out. It appears that I am at a crossroads without a fucking map. It is exciting and terrifying, but it seems a journey has begun whether I want it to or not. You know what? Bring it! I’m ready…I think.
So, let’s go back to the beginning. With regard to a career, job or whatever you want to call it, are you doing what you had always planned on doing? Are you happy with what you’ve chosen, even if it wasn’t part of the original plan? If you are, then I really am happy for you. Seriously, I am. I think it’s awesome when people end up doing exactly what they want, and are happy doing it. It is in knowing that you are which inspires me to want the same thing for myself.
Categories: Not So Musically Related
I think a lot of the business world got stuck the same way you did really. Although I actually like IT, I’ve come to the realization myself that I’m less than happy where I find myself, and am hoping to find a way to change that before a similar layoff catches up with me…
Thx for sharing…
02.06.2010 19:26
Definitely not happy where I’m at… although being a homemaker has its own rewards I find I’m not exactly sure of who I am any more. Sad. I go with the flow or get thrown against the rocks most of the time. Thank you for putting this out there… and I’d love to read whatever you’ve written!
02.06.2010 21:15
Dawn: Thanks for the comment. IT does seem that life gets in the way, and sometimes we lose ourselves in the shuffle. The best we can do is keep pushing on. I would love for you to read what I’ve wrote. I’ll send you a link to get to the book.
Dye
03.06.2010 00:47
I have read and re-read your book, and you should try to get it published. It’s SO much better than so much of the shit that somehow finds it way onto bookshelves.
But I digress. I pretty much like my job and my boss, and have managed not to get fired from my current employer for almost 15 years. I too need to be nice to people, which isn’t too hard for me, but you get so used to saying “yes” sometimes you forget that sometimes the answer HAS to be “No”…which some customers don’t like to hear.
A few years ago I wanted to go to school to become a chef. Many years ago I wanted to be a teacher, but I went thru the wrong program when I got my 4-yr degree, and would’ve had to start ALL OVER…not an attractive prospect. Now I’m in my late 40s and tired!
What I’m struggling to say is, I feel for ya. Most people take a similar path as you have. It can be hard when you think everyone else is better than you are. We’re so many of us afraid to take the leap that might get us where we want to be…or might wind up a huge failure.
I think you’re a writer and should concentrate on that. You’re very eloquent and intelligent (and presumably a better speller than I am), two qualities that are in mercilessly short supply these days.
03.06.2010 11:53
Michele: Thank you for the great comment. I also thank you for enjoying and believing in my writing. I suppose it may be time for me to, how do I say it – put up or shut up – right? It may be time to work on that inquiry letter and get it out there. The old adage is true – you never know until you try. As far as what you said about yourself, if you are happy, then that’s really what matters. I think we all get to a point – happy or not- where we are just “tired”. I wish I had my 38 year old brain when I was 17 sometimes
. Dye
03.06.2010 13:07
Yeah, I’d have to go with that. I’d (possibly) make a LOT less mistakes “if I knew then, what I know now.” Or not.
Oh BTW, there’s a slightly more serious writing site out there, called authonomy.com. My online pal Rachel is on it now. Check it out. Less fanfic, more people who (apparently) want to BE writers. If people like your story, they can add it to their “bookshelf”. Pretty cool.
03.06.2010 14:29
I, like many, have fallen into my current position. It is a good job, a stable one for the most part, and I am rather good at it. Is it what I wanted to do? No. Some are lucky or determined enough to follow their bliss and get paid for what they love. The rest of us should just remember that, despite what people may say, we are not our job. Our jobs are just one aspect of our personalities. Indeed we wear many hats, just only one or two earns us money.
04.06.2010 00:49
Dye, I never picturred you in insurance, it seemed too stuck up for your free for all fun personality. I think you should reconsider publishing your book! I would read it!
Miss your insanity,
Chris
28.09.2010 14:52