Dyelirium

Everyone can look back on their life and remember all of the things they wanted to do when they grew up. You know you did. What were all those things? Policeman? Fireman? Teacher? Doctor? Rock Star? Movie Star? I often wonder – How many of us are actually doing any of those things?

The first thing I can remember wanting to be when I was a kid was a veterinarian. I loved animals. I used to bring home stranded baby birds, baby bunnies – whatever, and I would beg my mother to help me take care of them. Some made it. Some went to a wildlife sanctuary. Needless to say, when most died, I no longer wanted to be a veterinarian.

My mother used to like to draw. So, when I got a little older I started to draw a lot. I loved drawing. I wanted to be an artist of some kind. The problem? I didn’t really have a lot of talent. I was able to copy things, but I could never really get down on paper what was in my head. I didn’t want to give up though. Shit, I was thirteen. I figured I would just need to practice…a lot. So I did. I drew, and I drew, and I just never really got any better at it. Being an artist was out.

At around that same time, I wanted to learn how to play an instrument. My parents bought me a guitar, and I took some lessons. I was terrible at it. I tried. I really did, but I’m being completely honest when I say that I sucked at it. I also took piano lessons. I was ok at it, but it took way more discipline than I was willing to offer. A musical career was definitely not in the cards.

Then, when I was in high school, I got involved in school theatre productions. I was far too insecure to try out for parts in the plays, but I did enjoy doing the makeup.  I wasn’t half-bad at it either! Finally! I found something semi-artistic that I was pretty good at. That’s when I decided that I wanted to be a makeup artist. Not just any makeup, mind you. I liked monster makeup. I was obsessed with horror movies at the time. The gore didn’t gross me out. It fascinated me! I wanted to learn how to do it!

I went to college, and I majored in Art & Theatre Production with a track in makeup artistry. Initially, it was fun. Then I looked around and noticed how talented many of the other students were. Insecurity took over, yet again, and I put away dreams of coming up with the next awesome gnarly monster in a movie franchise.

Somehow, through the weirdness that is life, I ended up graduating from college and graduate school with degrees in Criminal Justice. As an overachiever, I managed to stack a paralegal certification on top of my degrees as well. Ha! A very far cry from the wannabe veterinarian-to-artist-to-makeup guru I had once planned to be. What did I do with all that education? I got a job at an insurance company – a freakin’ insurance company.

I ended up schlepping auto and liability claims for the next thirteen years. Trust me. I didn’t want to be a claims adjuster. Who the Hell actually wants to do that?? Working in claims is one of those unhappy accidents. When I got out of school, I was twenty-three and in need of a corporate job that would give me some experience so I could get the job I wanted. A neighbor said her company was looking for someone, so I jumped on it. In an unfortunate turn of events, I got stuck in the tractor beam that is the insurance industry and just stayed there.

I worked for only two companies in that time. The first was in a very affluent Chicago suburb, and the second was in an office building right on Chicago’s Magnificent Mile with a mint view of Lake Michigan. I was convinced I had it made. I got paid decently. I did my job well. I was promoted 4 times in the first four years. I fell victim to the corporate mindset and was duped into believing that I had a career.

Well that came to a screeching halt early this year. In late January, 2010, I was laid off. It was just about the most humiliating experience I have ever been through. About halfway through a normal work day, I was called into a conference room, and I knew what was coming before anyone even said anything. I was told my position was eliminated, and that I could pack up my things and go. That was it. Endgame.

I was so embarrassed, pissed off  and panicked the first few days. I kept going over everything in my head. Why me? What did I do to make them choose me to get axed? What am I going to do? I have never been without a job since I was a teenager! I scrambled to find new employment. In less than 3 weeks, I had an interview at yet another insurance company. Then I got the second interview. Then I got the declination letter – thanks, but no thanks.

I was a little numb when I didn’t get the job. I wasn’t mad or sad. I was relieved. My forced time off left me with time to contemplate my so-called career, and I finally had to admit to myself that I hated it. I actually despised it. I dealt with people who were pissed off and pushy all the time and I always had to be nice, regardless of how disgusting they were towards me. I was suddenly in awe that someone as acerbic as me actually lasted as long as I did without killing someone.

One thing was definitely decided. I never wanted to be a claims adjuster again. EVER! I’m too old to lose my sanity completely. In the time since I have closed the door on that part of my life, I’ve tried to keep busy. I started writing this blog. I finished writing a book that I am far too afraid to actually try to “put out there”.  I’ve started to draw again, and the results have been hilarious. I’ve toyed with the idea of buying a guitar. I’ve even gone back to school to boost that paralegal education. My logical self knows I have to get a job doing something.

This led me to my next problem. What do I really want to be when I grow up? Tough question at an age where it seems that time is rapidly running out. It appears that I am at a crossroads without a fucking map. It is exciting and terrifying, but it seems a journey has begun whether I want it to or not. You know what? Bring it! I’m ready…I think.

So, let’s go back to the beginning. With regard to a career, job or whatever you want to call it, are you doing what you had always planned on doing? Are you happy with what you’ve chosen, even if it wasn’t part of the original plan? If you are, then I really am happy for you. Seriously, I am. I think it’s awesome when people end up doing exactly what they want, and are happy doing it. It is in knowing that you are which inspires me to want the same thing for myself.